Thx OKC - Thunder Is Worse than Thrashers

Perhaps the saddest consequence of the Schultz - Bennet - Stern debacle that led to the relocation of the once-proud Sonics to the bluffs of OKC is that the natural hierarchy of craptacular pro sports team names has been wracked. What's the worst thing you can name your team? History tells us that it is better to have a radically unlikely name than a blase name (see, e.g., Utah Jazz).

I'm still reeling from the realization that Mayor McSquiggles from Bhumphuque, Alaska might be a Viagra-induced heart attack away from the red phone to the Kremlin. There's not enough beer in the world to sedate me. So, my friends, please be lenient as I whip the grey matter squirrels up into a dervish frenzy. Verily, let us name the five worst sports team names in pro sports.

Rules and caveats: Stupid names that are culturally significant to the locale are excluded. Thus, the fiercesome Twins (look out, it's Matt and Mike in matching jumpers!) are exempt from scrutiny, and I regret that the Columbus Blue Jackets are also off limits today (something about the Civil War).

1. OKC Thunder
Primacy and recency are heuristics that prejudice homo sapiens' analytical ability. Today, recency beats out primacy (I remember puzzling as a child, "what is an Expo, would I be able to spot one in the wild before it ate me?"). Swiftbutt Bennett, you win a free turd cookie. Could you at least have had the courtesy to ingratiate yourself to T. Boone Pickens by naming your vanity project The Wind? Britons everywhere are laughing. Why not call them the Wanks, what what.

Wouldn't it have been easier to just name them The Farts? I mean, really?

Sadly, the Thunder do not proffer Thunder Jocks or similarly branded underpants. "No, that wasn't the beans, it was my OKC Thunder Thong." Uh huh, uh huh.

http://www.nbathundershop.com/categories-equipment.html

I guess this is what Seattle gets for linking a sports team name to a local Fortune 500 company. I mean, think about it. It would be the Timberwolves having been named the Rocket Targeting System Components (after the once notable Honeywell Corporation). Or the Houston Slicks (Oil, duh). Or the Chicago Southside Victims of Stray Bullets (that's not funny -- really. Sad, actually).

2. Thrashers
I understand that there is a team named the Thrashers in the NHL. I refuse to even learn what city they are in, but if I could pick a city that deserved a team with such a stupid name I would elect KC (why the attitude when I stop for gas???). I started a petition to EA to have this team excluded from the NHL video game franchise. Thrashers. Flashing back to junior high, I seem to recall that thrashers were skateboarders. They were, in the social orbit, far removed from hockey players. I am offended. Well, not morally -- just aesthetically. Can you imagine a chess club mascot named Kardashian? Think about it and you might find a simpatico with me on the issue of the Thrashers.

3. Lakers.
Stinkin' bandits! It shocks me that Bennet et al. have more savoir faire than the carpetbaggers who robbed MPLS of the Lakers. Leave the name behind. Doesn't LA have a water problem every summer? Could you, in good conscience, name a Baltimore team the STD-Free Hookups? NOLA Roof Rescues? Tuscon Militia? Greeley Cow Butts? Dig?

4. Redskins.
The nation's capital uses a racial epithet for the citizens of the sovereign dependent nations also known as the Native Americans. Great. I'm proud to be an American, where at least . . .
Beer. More beer. More beer. If you are under 21, I mean root beer. Sugar rush. Maybe it's no worse than the Vikings. Or, maybe it's something that Trey Parker and Matt Stone would have thought up had it not already been a nonfiction tragedy. See also, Cleveland Indians (exempted only because Cleveland has problems on par, or worse than, any Reservation).

5. Arizona Cardinals.
Everything is wrong about this. The team colors clash with the natural hues of the Phoenix valley. Keeping the name seems like pandering to the Catholic Hispanic population. Do Cardinals even winter in Phoenix? I am doubtful:

http://www.birds.cornell.edu/AllAboutBirds/BirdGuide/Northern_Cardinal.html#map

Arizona is rife with eligible mascots. Gila Monsters. Scorpions. Hawks. Anasazi (take that, DC and Cleveland!). If I could be commish, I would decree that the NFL team in Phoenix be renamed to the Arizona Joe Arpaios. The defensive line would wear pink underwear on the outside of their uniforms. Trust me on this one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Arpaio

Afterword/Runners Up:
It is hard to limit myself to just five. Marketing is not a science, but rather a cynical misadventure. Thus, we will always have the Minnesota Wild, Charlotte Bobcats, Houston Texans, Colorado Rockies, and the Memphis Grizzlies. Well, not into perpetuity will these names reside, but rather will morph when money, opportunity, and initiative coincide to create even dumber names.