Other Uses of Conservatorship

Though I can’t ethically discuss the Federal takeover of Fannie and Freddie, my mind got to thinking about other problematic institutions that would benefit from being placed in a conservatorship. Without delay, let us begin.

Stephon Marbury
Assets: crossover dribble, teardrop in the lane, well-intended Starbury line of sneaks.
Liabilities: gambling on defense, egotism, insanity, silly tats.
Regulator: NBA.
Actions to be taken: Like the government killing off the GSEs’ lobbying, David Stern should remove Marbury’s agent, PR, and posse. A gag order should be imposed upon the point guard himself. The real key to resuscitating the corporation (indeed, NBA players are corporations to be traded, bought, sold, and suffer bankruptcy when no longer relevant) is to put in place the proper psychiatrist and/or life coach. A realistic goal would be Allen Iverson light. Anyone thinking Marbury could be the next Bob Cousy needs to be seen by the conservator-appointed head shrink.

The English Language
Assets: Ubiquitous, adaptable, analytical
Liabilities: Spelling, lacks a word to rhyme with orange.
Regulator: Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt
Actions to be taken: English, the language of global business, will go the way of French and Latin if it does not rectify its inherent weakness. Granted, the word processor age protects against immediate failure by propping up the lexicon with spell checkers. In the long run, however, this fundamental vulnerability must be ironed out for continued viability in the global linguistic market. Teddy Roosevelt worked hard to reform English spelling, but he face the same conservative pressures that metric system proponents have faced.

For the second problem, I propose the creation of a new word, gastrournj, referring to the stomach sensation that one gets after eating an entire sausage pizza and following it up with a two liter of Mountain Dew. Usage example: I thought I was having a heart attack, but the medical resident in the ER shook her head and prescribed antacids and a glass of warm milk to mitigate the effects of delayed onset gastrournj.

Cable News Talking Heads
Assets: none
Liabilities: lies, malice, and the continuing degradation of American culture
Regulator: We, the people.
Actions to be taken: Forget Tim Leary’s “Tune in, turn on, drop out.” What we need to do, in order to stave off the inevitable slide into a country where ad hominem attacks are the only acceptable rhetoric, is to tune out, deep think, and read a book. Only you can prevent dumb.

American Corporate Beer
Assets: worldwide market in the billions per annum.
Liabilities: reliance on hops extract, continued reliance on recipes using recycled urine instead of water and grains.
Regulator: WTO
Actions to be taken: First, the fundamental question is: Can the Belgians save American beer? The answer is no. Like Bill Clinton’s wasted chances to make headway against poverty and inequality during his eight years, experts foresee that the Belgians will squander their opportunity to fix corporate shwag beer. International consultants should be brought in to form a workgroup with domestic craft and microbrewers. It could be called Project Napa, and emulate the way California wineries have become some of the top producers of quality wines. Just think for a moment, why isn’t there a Michelob Lambic? Understand this question, and you will understand the deeply entrenched rot in the corporate boards of American beer.