Key Excerpts from McCain's Acceptance Speech

In case you missed it, I have compiled key excerpts from John Sidney McCain's RNC Convention acceptance speech.

"My friends, there are green fumes emanating from my head. I don't know if this means I am actually broadcasting from an interdimensional timewarp, or if I just smell bad. If I had picked Joey Lieberman instead of my hot little trophy veep, maybe he could correct me. To use the vernacular of our time, and to show that I have appeal to African American voters, I'd just like to give a shout out to my shorty Joey L. I still have your Post-It note explaining the difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites."

. . .

"My friends, I have the scars to prove that I have been tortured. What I learned in my stay at the Hanoi Hilton is that America is a great country. A great idea. With great food. I learned there in Vietnam to honor, love, and respect my country. That's why I support torture. It taught me to be a better American. Plus what's the big deal with waterboarding, anyway? I mean, when I was in Hawai'i trying to find the Madrassa that Obama Bin Barack attended, I saw all kinds of scantily clad men and women out with their waterboards, riding twelve foot waves.

"Hold one a second, I need to put on my bifocals. I can't read the teleprompter from this distance. All righty. That's why I support torture. Oh yeah, I said that already. You see, my friends, America is about choice, but not that kind of choice. And I believe that American children deserve a choice to go to whatever school they think will best benefit them. You see, education creates a virtue. And those who are already virtuous can afford to go to the best schools around. And those who are less virtuous can go schools that might make them more virtuous. And by that, I mean to lead by example. All Americans should have scars identical to mine. That would be awesome."

. . .

"My friends, Americans don't need an elitist running the country. Someone who learned about the birds and the bees from a banned textbook. That's why I'm the best candidate. I couldn't even get into school on my own merits. I could never have been a pilot if I didn't have Navy royalty in my lineage. And when I met a model slash heiress, I pulled myself up from bootstraps and overcame the shackles of my marital vows. I'm just like you, America."

. . .

"America has many enemies. I can name some of them. Some of them are Sunnis. Some are Shinobis. I mean Shi'ites. And then there's Russia. You may not know, but Russia invaded Georgia. That means right now as we speak, innocent Georgians are starving in Atlanta, trembling in fear from the Russian polar bear. That's why, my friends, Sarah Palin had the courage to step up the fight against polar bears. They are Russian double agents moving with impunity on American soil while the angry left sips Starbucks and gets expensive haircuts. We need vision, not facts."

. . .

"Vote for me, change is coming. Trust me, my Depends undergarment is definitely the source of these green fumes emanating from my head. I need a change."

Green fumes:
http://www.colbertnation.com/?p=1593