“Socialism,” my dad said, laying heavy on the first syllable. By tone alone, he could have been saying “hemorrhoids” or “foot fungus.”
I don’t know why exactly the financial services sector bailout failed in the House. I suspect, however, that we are reaping Buckley, Jr.’s idea harvest. I am hesitant to invoke the imagery of food cultivation because you can’t eat mere words, no matter how frothy and bitter they may be. Yet, nonetheless, there are Americans with jobs who have drunk this smoothie.
Socialism. Liberalism. Contrasted of course with: Freedom, Liberty.
It shocks me that a man can walk through life oblivious to the fact that each person operates as a component of a society. This readily ascertained fact does nothing to impinge on liberty, except insofar as it extends the laws of physics (laws of nature?) into the social realm.
The freedom to swing my arm ends where your nose begins.
No one’s liberty is of greater value than anyone else’s.
For better or for worse, our duly elected representatives in two branches of government abdicated their duties to the people of America by retrenching the oversight of the mortgage industry and the investment houses. You can blame Cox at the SEC for sleeping at the wheel, but we have to blame ourselves, too, for reelecting a regime hellbent on destroying America and Iraq at the same time.
Maybe the House had it right, but for all the wrong reasons. Maybe we shouldn’t be bailing out the fat cats – but because we deserve the punishment for failing to do so.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monta Joins Thunder on Warriors Curse Victim List
Seriously, I now believe in curses. Monta.
Some teams’ misfortunes can be linked to a certain personality or personalities. Knicks with Dolan the Lesser, Zeke, and Larry Brown. Pacers with the cascading effects of Artest. Hawks and Clippers with their ownership. Bucks with the secret lawyer cabal that runs the team from the shadows. Kevin McHale.
The Warriors, though, seem to be caught in a typhoon of bad luck atop bad decisions. I remember being angry when they let Mitch Richmond go. Webber and Don Nelson’s first tour of duty. Overpaying Foyle like a royal. Now, this summer they’ve lost defensive stalwart Pietrus, bench gunner and energy man Sgt. Barnes (albeit, coming off a bad season), and Baron von Davis. Oh, and Jack believes he’s underpaid.
None of these recent moves are killers if one assumes that Monta maintains his trajectory. Watching him play in the regular season has convinced me he’s going to be a very special star. Of course, his playoff withering may be symptomatic of a psyche that will shy away from assuming the burden of being the best. Nevertheless, I figured that a roster of gunners (Monta, Jack, Spaghetti, and Baby Al) backed by thugs like Turiaf and Azubuike would be competitive. This vision works only if Monta Ellis becomes the team’s on-court leader and focal point. If Monta is playing like short Jordan out there, then Jack et al. won’t feel as compelled to take matters into their own hands.
Here’s to a full and speedy recovery.
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA (TICKER) —Golden State Warriors Guiard Monta Ellis admitted that he lied about the left ankle injury which most likely
will cost him the first three months of the season, according to a report
published Saturday.
Citing a team source, the San Jose Mercury-News reported
that the Warriors know that the star guard’s injury was not sustained “in a gym”
and that “it happened outdoors and not while playing basketball.”
The 22-year-old Ellis had been diagnosed with a high ankle sprain, a torn deltoid
ligament and a syndesmosis disruption last week. Golden State did not release a
timetable for his return, but multiple sources claim he will not be back until
at least January.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=AvZjqOKpeai6AEg5SNtRkEK8vLYF?slug=txwarriorsellis&prov=st&type=lgns
Some teams’ misfortunes can be linked to a certain personality or personalities. Knicks with Dolan the Lesser, Zeke, and Larry Brown. Pacers with the cascading effects of Artest. Hawks and Clippers with their ownership. Bucks with the secret lawyer cabal that runs the team from the shadows. Kevin McHale.
The Warriors, though, seem to be caught in a typhoon of bad luck atop bad decisions. I remember being angry when they let Mitch Richmond go. Webber and Don Nelson’s first tour of duty. Overpaying Foyle like a royal. Now, this summer they’ve lost defensive stalwart Pietrus, bench gunner and energy man Sgt. Barnes (albeit, coming off a bad season), and Baron von Davis. Oh, and Jack believes he’s underpaid.
None of these recent moves are killers if one assumes that Monta maintains his trajectory. Watching him play in the regular season has convinced me he’s going to be a very special star. Of course, his playoff withering may be symptomatic of a psyche that will shy away from assuming the burden of being the best. Nevertheless, I figured that a roster of gunners (Monta, Jack, Spaghetti, and Baby Al) backed by thugs like Turiaf and Azubuike would be competitive. This vision works only if Monta Ellis becomes the team’s on-court leader and focal point. If Monta is playing like short Jordan out there, then Jack et al. won’t feel as compelled to take matters into their own hands.
Here’s to a full and speedy recovery.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Other Uses of Conservatorship
Though I can’t ethically discuss the Federal takeover of Fannie and Freddie, my mind got to thinking about other problematic institutions that would benefit from being placed in a conservatorship. Without delay, let us begin.
Stephon Marbury
Assets: crossover dribble, teardrop in the lane, well-intended Starbury line of sneaks.
Liabilities: gambling on defense, egotism, insanity, silly tats.
Regulator: NBA.
Actions to be taken: Like the government killing off the GSEs’ lobbying, David Stern should remove Marbury’s agent, PR, and posse. A gag order should be imposed upon the point guard himself. The real key to resuscitating the corporation (indeed, NBA players are corporations to be traded, bought, sold, and suffer bankruptcy when no longer relevant) is to put in place the proper psychiatrist and/or life coach. A realistic goal would be Allen Iverson light. Anyone thinking Marbury could be the next Bob Cousy needs to be seen by the conservator-appointed head shrink.
The English Language
Assets: Ubiquitous, adaptable, analytical
Liabilities: Spelling, lacks a word to rhyme with orange.
Regulator: Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt
Actions to be taken: English, the language of global business, will go the way of French and Latin if it does not rectify its inherent weakness. Granted, the word processor age protects against immediate failure by propping up the lexicon with spell checkers. In the long run, however, this fundamental vulnerability must be ironed out for continued viability in the global linguistic market. Teddy Roosevelt worked hard to reform English spelling, but he face the same conservative pressures that metric system proponents have faced.
For the second problem, I propose the creation of a new word, gastrournj, referring to the stomach sensation that one gets after eating an entire sausage pizza and following it up with a two liter of Mountain Dew. Usage example: I thought I was having a heart attack, but the medical resident in the ER shook her head and prescribed antacids and a glass of warm milk to mitigate the effects of delayed onset gastrournj.
Cable News Talking Heads
Assets: none
Liabilities: lies, malice, and the continuing degradation of American culture
Regulator: We, the people.
Actions to be taken: Forget Tim Leary’s “Tune in, turn on, drop out.” What we need to do, in order to stave off the inevitable slide into a country where ad hominem attacks are the only acceptable rhetoric, is to tune out, deep think, and read a book. Only you can prevent dumb.
American Corporate Beer
Assets: worldwide market in the billions per annum.
Liabilities: reliance on hops extract, continued reliance on recipes using recycled urine instead of water and grains.
Regulator: WTO
Actions to be taken: First, the fundamental question is: Can the Belgians save American beer? The answer is no. Like Bill Clinton’s wasted chances to make headway against poverty and inequality during his eight years, experts foresee that the Belgians will squander their opportunity to fix corporate shwag beer. International consultants should be brought in to form a workgroup with domestic craft and microbrewers. It could be called Project Napa, and emulate the way California wineries have become some of the top producers of quality wines. Just think for a moment, why isn’t there a Michelob Lambic? Understand this question, and you will understand the deeply entrenched rot in the corporate boards of American beer.
Stephon Marbury
Assets: crossover dribble, teardrop in the lane, well-intended Starbury line of sneaks.
Liabilities: gambling on defense, egotism, insanity, silly tats.
Regulator: NBA.
Actions to be taken: Like the government killing off the GSEs’ lobbying, David Stern should remove Marbury’s agent, PR, and posse. A gag order should be imposed upon the point guard himself. The real key to resuscitating the corporation (indeed, NBA players are corporations to be traded, bought, sold, and suffer bankruptcy when no longer relevant) is to put in place the proper psychiatrist and/or life coach. A realistic goal would be Allen Iverson light. Anyone thinking Marbury could be the next Bob Cousy needs to be seen by the conservator-appointed head shrink.
The English Language
Assets: Ubiquitous, adaptable, analytical
Liabilities: Spelling, lacks a word to rhyme with orange.
Regulator: Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt
Actions to be taken: English, the language of global business, will go the way of French and Latin if it does not rectify its inherent weakness. Granted, the word processor age protects against immediate failure by propping up the lexicon with spell checkers. In the long run, however, this fundamental vulnerability must be ironed out for continued viability in the global linguistic market. Teddy Roosevelt worked hard to reform English spelling, but he face the same conservative pressures that metric system proponents have faced.
For the second problem, I propose the creation of a new word, gastrournj, referring to the stomach sensation that one gets after eating an entire sausage pizza and following it up with a two liter of Mountain Dew. Usage example: I thought I was having a heart attack, but the medical resident in the ER shook her head and prescribed antacids and a glass of warm milk to mitigate the effects of delayed onset gastrournj.
Cable News Talking Heads
Assets: none
Liabilities: lies, malice, and the continuing degradation of American culture
Regulator: We, the people.
Actions to be taken: Forget Tim Leary’s “Tune in, turn on, drop out.” What we need to do, in order to stave off the inevitable slide into a country where ad hominem attacks are the only acceptable rhetoric, is to tune out, deep think, and read a book. Only you can prevent dumb.
American Corporate Beer
Assets: worldwide market in the billions per annum.
Liabilities: reliance on hops extract, continued reliance on recipes using recycled urine instead of water and grains.
Regulator: WTO
Actions to be taken: First, the fundamental question is: Can the Belgians save American beer? The answer is no. Like Bill Clinton’s wasted chances to make headway against poverty and inequality during his eight years, experts foresee that the Belgians will squander their opportunity to fix corporate shwag beer. International consultants should be brought in to form a workgroup with domestic craft and microbrewers. It could be called Project Napa, and emulate the way California wineries have become some of the top producers of quality wines. Just think for a moment, why isn’t there a Michelob Lambic? Understand this question, and you will understand the deeply entrenched rot in the corporate boards of American beer.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Contingencies: A Churning Market
World stock exchanges are down. Oil is down. Dollar still enervated. Fannie and Freddie being taken into federal conservatorship. Interest rates low, but little interest in buying houses -- not that it would matter, banks are so skittish about handing out loans.
What scares me the most is the wholesale inflation rate (PPI), which is up double digits from a year ago. Oil and other commodities are likely driving this, since labor unions have not had the clout to lock in wage increases to match inflation. Wholesale inflation can be weathered as long as consumers spend enough money on enough junk to keep the junk makers' cash flow going. But, consumer confidence and spending are down -- and crushing loads of consumer debt has now scared people off of using leverage for personal consumption.
So, if production prices keep increasing, this will inevitably lead to greater inflation (CPI) as producers pass on the cost to the purchasers. Again, if people are willing to spend, the inflation increase will be a bump in the road while the market works towards equilibrium. If people decide instead to pay down debt or bury their cash in the backyard (afraid of losing it in a failing bank or plummeting equity markets), then we have lowered demand. The fallout from that will either be bankruptcies or corrections in the price of goods. Pretty ugly -- unless the commodity bubble bursts. (Of course, lowered demand means greater inventories, which is factored as a plus in the GDP. Nice.)
Oh, yeah, and if the commodity bubble bursts, farmers everywhere will be in financial ruin. They can line up with foreclosed house flippers at the Capitol, looking for a solution or a bailout.
That's just how the market looks today. It was different two weeks ago, and it will be different in another two weeks (especially if the federal bailout of the GSEs works to stabilize the debt market). It's puzzling. Investors better have a pair of shot puts in their jockstraps. Or beer, more beer. Oh, speaking of beer, I can save Starbucks. Listen Howard, instead of flavor shots, you need to offer whiskey shots. Trust me.
It's a lot of churn. There are certain fundamentals, worldwide, that seem to say that the global economy is strong. Markets are increasingly de-centralized. Mergers and acquisitions are surprisingly robust. Hedge funds and sovereign wealth funds (both holders of enormous amounts of preferred stock) are becoming both more accepted and more transparent. Revolution has gone the way of parachute pants and white guys with mustaches. Only Argentina has had an Argentina-style meltdown of late.
Yet, at the same time, no one knows the proper value of anything. Despite the tsunami of cash that crashed upon the markets during the Greenspan era, money is locked up like European wives during the Crusades. Geopolitics reminds some (including me -- and I've been saying it for about six years now) of the buildup to World War I. There is a looming demographic bomb in the West and parts of East Asia. There is a flip side to the retirement bomb in the Near East and North Africa, with a lot of young people looking for work and a means to build meaningful lives in regressive national economies with repressive national governments.
Two weeks. A pay period. What will my money be worth?
What scares me the most is the wholesale inflation rate (PPI), which is up double digits from a year ago. Oil and other commodities are likely driving this, since labor unions have not had the clout to lock in wage increases to match inflation. Wholesale inflation can be weathered as long as consumers spend enough money on enough junk to keep the junk makers' cash flow going. But, consumer confidence and spending are down -- and crushing loads of consumer debt has now scared people off of using leverage for personal consumption.
So, if production prices keep increasing, this will inevitably lead to greater inflation (CPI) as producers pass on the cost to the purchasers. Again, if people are willing to spend, the inflation increase will be a bump in the road while the market works towards equilibrium. If people decide instead to pay down debt or bury their cash in the backyard (afraid of losing it in a failing bank or plummeting equity markets), then we have lowered demand. The fallout from that will either be bankruptcies or corrections in the price of goods. Pretty ugly -- unless the commodity bubble bursts. (Of course, lowered demand means greater inventories, which is factored as a plus in the GDP. Nice.)
Oh, yeah, and if the commodity bubble bursts, farmers everywhere will be in financial ruin. They can line up with foreclosed house flippers at the Capitol, looking for a solution or a bailout.
That's just how the market looks today. It was different two weeks ago, and it will be different in another two weeks (especially if the federal bailout of the GSEs works to stabilize the debt market). It's puzzling. Investors better have a pair of shot puts in their jockstraps. Or beer, more beer. Oh, speaking of beer, I can save Starbucks. Listen Howard, instead of flavor shots, you need to offer whiskey shots. Trust me.
It's a lot of churn. There are certain fundamentals, worldwide, that seem to say that the global economy is strong. Markets are increasingly de-centralized. Mergers and acquisitions are surprisingly robust. Hedge funds and sovereign wealth funds (both holders of enormous amounts of preferred stock) are becoming both more accepted and more transparent. Revolution has gone the way of parachute pants and white guys with mustaches. Only Argentina has had an Argentina-style meltdown of late.
Yet, at the same time, no one knows the proper value of anything. Despite the tsunami of cash that crashed upon the markets during the Greenspan era, money is locked up like European wives during the Crusades. Geopolitics reminds some (including me -- and I've been saying it for about six years now) of the buildup to World War I. There is a looming demographic bomb in the West and parts of East Asia. There is a flip side to the retirement bomb in the Near East and North Africa, with a lot of young people looking for work and a means to build meaningful lives in regressive national economies with repressive national governments.
Two weeks. A pay period. What will my money be worth?
Friday, September 5, 2008
Key Excerpts from McCain's Acceptance Speech
In case you missed it, I have compiled key excerpts from John Sidney McCain's RNC Convention acceptance speech.
"My friends, there are green fumes emanating from my head. I don't know if this means I am actually broadcasting from an interdimensional timewarp, or if I just smell bad. If I had picked Joey Lieberman instead of my hot little trophy veep, maybe he could correct me. To use the vernacular of our time, and to show that I have appeal to African American voters, I'd just like to give a shout out to my shorty Joey L. I still have your Post-It note explaining the difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites."
. . .
"My friends, I have the scars to prove that I have been tortured. What I learned in my stay at the Hanoi Hilton is that America is a great country. A great idea. With great food. I learned there in Vietnam to honor, love, and respect my country. That's why I support torture. It taught me to be a better American. Plus what's the big deal with waterboarding, anyway? I mean, when I was in Hawai'i trying to find the Madrassa that Obama Bin Barack attended, I saw all kinds of scantily clad men and women out with their waterboards, riding twelve foot waves.
"Hold one a second, I need to put on my bifocals. I can't read the teleprompter from this distance. All righty. That's why I support torture. Oh yeah, I said that already. You see, my friends, America is about choice, but not that kind of choice. And I believe that American children deserve a choice to go to whatever school they think will best benefit them. You see, education creates a virtue. And those who are already virtuous can afford to go to the best schools around. And those who are less virtuous can go schools that might make them more virtuous. And by that, I mean to lead by example. All Americans should have scars identical to mine. That would be awesome."
. . .
"My friends, Americans don't need an elitist running the country. Someone who learned about the birds and the bees from a banned textbook. That's why I'm the best candidate. I couldn't even get into school on my own merits. I could never have been a pilot if I didn't have Navy royalty in my lineage. And when I met a model slash heiress, I pulled myself up from bootstraps and overcame the shackles of my marital vows. I'm just like you, America."
. . .
"America has many enemies. I can name some of them. Some of them are Sunnis. Some are Shinobis. I mean Shi'ites. And then there's Russia. You may not know, but Russia invaded Georgia. That means right now as we speak, innocent Georgians are starving in Atlanta, trembling in fear from the Russian polar bear. That's why, my friends, Sarah Palin had the courage to step up the fight against polar bears. They are Russian double agents moving with impunity on American soil while the angry left sips Starbucks and gets expensive haircuts. We need vision, not facts."
. . .
"Vote for me, change is coming. Trust me, my Depends undergarment is definitely the source of these green fumes emanating from my head. I need a change."
Green fumes:
http://www.colbertnation.com/?p=1593
"My friends, there are green fumes emanating from my head. I don't know if this means I am actually broadcasting from an interdimensional timewarp, or if I just smell bad. If I had picked Joey Lieberman instead of my hot little trophy veep, maybe he could correct me. To use the vernacular of our time, and to show that I have appeal to African American voters, I'd just like to give a shout out to my shorty Joey L. I still have your Post-It note explaining the difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites."
. . .
"My friends, I have the scars to prove that I have been tortured. What I learned in my stay at the Hanoi Hilton is that America is a great country. A great idea. With great food. I learned there in Vietnam to honor, love, and respect my country. That's why I support torture. It taught me to be a better American. Plus what's the big deal with waterboarding, anyway? I mean, when I was in Hawai'i trying to find the Madrassa that Obama Bin Barack attended, I saw all kinds of scantily clad men and women out with their waterboards, riding twelve foot waves.
"Hold one a second, I need to put on my bifocals. I can't read the teleprompter from this distance. All righty. That's why I support torture. Oh yeah, I said that already. You see, my friends, America is about choice, but not that kind of choice. And I believe that American children deserve a choice to go to whatever school they think will best benefit them. You see, education creates a virtue. And those who are already virtuous can afford to go to the best schools around. And those who are less virtuous can go schools that might make them more virtuous. And by that, I mean to lead by example. All Americans should have scars identical to mine. That would be awesome."
. . .
"My friends, Americans don't need an elitist running the country. Someone who learned about the birds and the bees from a banned textbook. That's why I'm the best candidate. I couldn't even get into school on my own merits. I could never have been a pilot if I didn't have Navy royalty in my lineage. And when I met a model slash heiress, I pulled myself up from bootstraps and overcame the shackles of my marital vows. I'm just like you, America."
. . .
"America has many enemies. I can name some of them. Some of them are Sunnis. Some are Shinobis. I mean Shi'ites. And then there's Russia. You may not know, but Russia invaded Georgia. That means right now as we speak, innocent Georgians are starving in Atlanta, trembling in fear from the Russian polar bear. That's why, my friends, Sarah Palin had the courage to step up the fight against polar bears. They are Russian double agents moving with impunity on American soil while the angry left sips Starbucks and gets expensive haircuts. We need vision, not facts."
. . .
"Vote for me, change is coming. Trust me, my Depends undergarment is definitely the source of these green fumes emanating from my head. I need a change."
Green fumes:
http://www.colbertnation.com/?p=1593
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Thx OKC - Thunder Is Worse than Thrashers
Perhaps the saddest consequence of the Schultz - Bennet - Stern debacle that led to the relocation of the once-proud Sonics to the bluffs of OKC is that the natural hierarchy of craptacular pro sports team names has been wracked. What's the worst thing you can name your team? History tells us that it is better to have a radically unlikely name than a blase name (see, e.g., Utah Jazz).
I'm still reeling from the realization that Mayor McSquiggles from Bhumphuque, Alaska might be a Viagra-induced heart attack away from the red phone to the Kremlin. There's not enough beer in the world to sedate me. So, my friends, please be lenient as I whip the grey matter squirrels up into a dervish frenzy. Verily, let us name the five worst sports team names in pro sports.
Rules and caveats: Stupid names that are culturally significant to the locale are excluded. Thus, the fiercesome Twins (look out, it's Matt and Mike in matching jumpers!) are exempt from scrutiny, and I regret that the Columbus Blue Jackets are also off limits today (something about the Civil War).
1. OKC Thunder
Primacy and recency are heuristics that prejudice homo sapiens' analytical ability. Today, recency beats out primacy (I remember puzzling as a child, "what is an Expo, would I be able to spot one in the wild before it ate me?"). Swiftbutt Bennett, you win a free turd cookie. Could you at least have had the courtesy to ingratiate yourself to T. Boone Pickens by naming your vanity project The Wind? Britons everywhere are laughing. Why not call them the Wanks, what what.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just name them The Farts? I mean, really?
Sadly, the Thunder do not proffer Thunder Jocks or similarly branded underpants. "No, that wasn't the beans, it was my OKC Thunder Thong." Uh huh, uh huh.
http://www.nbathundershop.com/categories-equipment.html
I guess this is what Seattle gets for linking a sports team name to a local Fortune 500 company. I mean, think about it. It would be the Timberwolves having been named the Rocket Targeting System Components (after the once notable Honeywell Corporation). Or the Houston Slicks (Oil, duh). Or the Chicago Southside Victims of Stray Bullets (that's not funny -- really. Sad, actually).
2. Thrashers
I understand that there is a team named the Thrashers in the NHL. I refuse to even learn what city they are in, but if I could pick a city that deserved a team with such a stupid name I would elect KC (why the attitude when I stop for gas???). I started a petition to EA to have this team excluded from the NHL video game franchise. Thrashers. Flashing back to junior high, I seem to recall that thrashers were skateboarders. They were, in the social orbit, far removed from hockey players. I am offended. Well, not morally -- just aesthetically. Can you imagine a chess club mascot named Kardashian? Think about it and you might find a simpatico with me on the issue of the Thrashers.
3. Lakers.
Stinkin' bandits! It shocks me that Bennet et al. have more savoir faire than the carpetbaggers who robbed MPLS of the Lakers. Leave the name behind. Doesn't LA have a water problem every summer? Could you, in good conscience, name a Baltimore team the STD-Free Hookups? NOLA Roof Rescues? Tuscon Militia? Greeley Cow Butts? Dig?
4. Redskins.
The nation's capital uses a racial epithet for the citizens of the sovereign dependent nations also known as the Native Americans. Great. I'm proud to be an American, where at least . . .
Beer. More beer. More beer. If you are under 21, I mean root beer. Sugar rush. Maybe it's no worse than the Vikings. Or, maybe it's something that Trey Parker and Matt Stone would have thought up had it not already been a nonfiction tragedy. See also, Cleveland Indians (exempted only because Cleveland has problems on par, or worse than, any Reservation).
5. Arizona Cardinals.
Everything is wrong about this. The team colors clash with the natural hues of the Phoenix valley. Keeping the name seems like pandering to the Catholic Hispanic population. Do Cardinals even winter in Phoenix? I am doubtful:
http://www.birds.cornell.edu/AllAboutBirds/BirdGuide/Northern_Cardinal.html#map
Arizona is rife with eligible mascots. Gila Monsters. Scorpions. Hawks. Anasazi (take that, DC and Cleveland!). If I could be commish, I would decree that the NFL team in Phoenix be renamed to the Arizona Joe Arpaios. The defensive line would wear pink underwear on the outside of their uniforms. Trust me on this one.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Arpaio
Afterword/Runners Up:
It is hard to limit myself to just five. Marketing is not a science, but rather a cynical misadventure. Thus, we will always have the Minnesota Wild, Charlotte Bobcats, Houston Texans, Colorado Rockies, and the Memphis Grizzlies. Well, not into perpetuity will these names reside, but rather will morph when money, opportunity, and initiative coincide to create even dumber names.
I'm still reeling from the realization that Mayor McSquiggles from Bhumphuque, Alaska might be a Viagra-induced heart attack away from the red phone to the Kremlin. There's not enough beer in the world to sedate me. So, my friends, please be lenient as I whip the grey matter squirrels up into a dervish frenzy. Verily, let us name the five worst sports team names in pro sports.
Rules and caveats: Stupid names that are culturally significant to the locale are excluded. Thus, the fiercesome Twins (look out, it's Matt and Mike in matching jumpers!) are exempt from scrutiny, and I regret that the Columbus Blue Jackets are also off limits today (something about the Civil War).
1. OKC Thunder
Primacy and recency are heuristics that prejudice homo sapiens' analytical ability. Today, recency beats out primacy (I remember puzzling as a child, "what is an Expo, would I be able to spot one in the wild before it ate me?"). Swiftbutt Bennett, you win a free turd cookie. Could you at least have had the courtesy to ingratiate yourself to T. Boone Pickens by naming your vanity project The Wind? Britons everywhere are laughing. Why not call them the Wanks, what what.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just name them The Farts? I mean, really?
Sadly, the Thunder do not proffer Thunder Jocks or similarly branded underpants. "No, that wasn't the beans, it was my OKC Thunder Thong." Uh huh, uh huh.
http://www.nbathundershop.com/categories-equipment.html
I guess this is what Seattle gets for linking a sports team name to a local Fortune 500 company. I mean, think about it. It would be the Timberwolves having been named the Rocket Targeting System Components (after the once notable Honeywell Corporation). Or the Houston Slicks (Oil, duh). Or the Chicago Southside Victims of Stray Bullets (that's not funny -- really. Sad, actually).
2. Thrashers
I understand that there is a team named the Thrashers in the NHL. I refuse to even learn what city they are in, but if I could pick a city that deserved a team with such a stupid name I would elect KC (why the attitude when I stop for gas???). I started a petition to EA to have this team excluded from the NHL video game franchise. Thrashers. Flashing back to junior high, I seem to recall that thrashers were skateboarders. They were, in the social orbit, far removed from hockey players. I am offended. Well, not morally -- just aesthetically. Can you imagine a chess club mascot named Kardashian? Think about it and you might find a simpatico with me on the issue of the Thrashers.
3. Lakers.
Stinkin' bandits! It shocks me that Bennet et al. have more savoir faire than the carpetbaggers who robbed MPLS of the Lakers. Leave the name behind. Doesn't LA have a water problem every summer? Could you, in good conscience, name a Baltimore team the STD-Free Hookups? NOLA Roof Rescues? Tuscon Militia? Greeley Cow Butts? Dig?
4. Redskins.
The nation's capital uses a racial epithet for the citizens of the sovereign dependent nations also known as the Native Americans. Great. I'm proud to be an American, where at least . . .
Beer. More beer. More beer. If you are under 21, I mean root beer. Sugar rush. Maybe it's no worse than the Vikings. Or, maybe it's something that Trey Parker and Matt Stone would have thought up had it not already been a nonfiction tragedy. See also, Cleveland Indians (exempted only because Cleveland has problems on par, or worse than, any Reservation).
5. Arizona Cardinals.
Everything is wrong about this. The team colors clash with the natural hues of the Phoenix valley. Keeping the name seems like pandering to the Catholic Hispanic population. Do Cardinals even winter in Phoenix? I am doubtful:
http://www.birds.cornell.edu/AllAboutBirds/BirdGuide/Northern_Cardinal.html#map
Arizona is rife with eligible mascots. Gila Monsters. Scorpions. Hawks. Anasazi (take that, DC and Cleveland!). If I could be commish, I would decree that the NFL team in Phoenix be renamed to the Arizona Joe Arpaios. The defensive line would wear pink underwear on the outside of their uniforms. Trust me on this one.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Arpaio
Afterword/Runners Up:
It is hard to limit myself to just five. Marketing is not a science, but rather a cynical misadventure. Thus, we will always have the Minnesota Wild, Charlotte Bobcats, Houston Texans, Colorado Rockies, and the Memphis Grizzlies. Well, not into perpetuity will these names reside, but rather will morph when money, opportunity, and initiative coincide to create even dumber names.
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